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| Life After a Surrogate Birth | When you have delivered a surrogate baby, what are you going to do? If you decided to go to Disneyland, perhaps you should postpone that a month or so. Most likely are you're going into that amusement park thrill ride all its own: post partum mood swings.
There are many surrogate birth stories, and they're all wonderful to read. Some have stuck out for their honesty in dealing with the emotional aspects of the time after the birth. And others that have shared a common theme: it's not all happy all the time.
This is an important message to get out there to those in the world of surrogacy who haven't been through a birth yet: either as a surrogate or as an intended parent (IP). Many stories would describe the amazing moment when the child was born and handed to the IPs, and how seeing how happy that made them made the surrogate feel an amazing surge of peace and pride for doing this amazing thing. Only a few of these birth stories mentioned the down time that follows for many surrogates.
It seems in some way to avoid scaring others and in part to avoid having others think they are "regretting their decision" or "want to keep the baby," many surrogates don't mention or downplay the sadness they experience after the delivery.
However, there are some surrogates out there who never have a single pang of sadness that would seem to be a highly unlikely scenario. Though, not many outsiders initially assume.
These days, if you mention surrogacy, people often still think instantly of Mary Beth Whitehead (15 years later!). The most important question to surrogates is asked: "how can you be sure you can give up the baby?" That is reason for everyone focuses on. Many surrogates report feeling totally "watched" in the days and weeks following delivery, as those around them - especially those who were skeptical about the whole surrogacy thing to begin with - wait for them to fall apart and realize they made a huge mistake and they want that baby back. They believe that the only way to avoid having to explain and justify any sadness is to deny any has occurred.
So, would it not be normal to be sad at the end of a surrogacy? It is equated to being involved in a play: for weeks or months you rehearse, you submerge yourself in a role, as the time for opening night nears your life tends to become more and more focused on this event, and then you have that wonderful shining moment on the stage, everything goes off wonderfully, the audience loves it, you couldn't have been better. And then it is over.
Choosing surrogacy, you've dedicated at the very least nearly a year to helping someone else be a parent when the delivery comes.
Additionally to the totally normal hormonal mood fluctuations following any birth and you have a woman ready to cry.
Those ones that have described the downtime most vividly often talk of feeling totally elated one moment and devastated shortly after because their part in this is done. It's not obligatory the baby they miss - that is something everyone is emphatic about because of common perception - it's either the surrogacy itself or the IPs or the "specialness" of being pregnant, or simply the hormones going for a joy ride. It is completely normal, if not often discussed.
This is important that surrogates know this so that when the time comes, they know they're not the only surrogate who's ever cried when the baby left the hospital, or when they said goodbye to their IPs, or alone at night afraid to let anyone see them.
Also it's essential for IPs to be aware of this, because as almost any parent can tell you, it's very easy to become totally myopic when you bring home that child for the first time. What’s more, the stupor of adjusting to an infant's schedule, the whole process of adjusting to being a family leaves little energy or attention to other details. For those who have been trying to years to have a child then turn to surrogacy - or even just those who came to surrogacy initially as a way to conceive - the end of the surrogacy is not an end at all, but merely the beginning of their dreams.
Naturally the IPs should remember this is the end of the surrogate's role and dream. It is always important to remember the person who brought you to this point of obsession! Lots of couples speak of wanting to make a "clean break" and simply be a new family, and worry that keeping the surrogate involved in their lives will be more difficult for everyone. (Naturally, the amount of contact after the birth one desires differs greatly from case to case - and is something everyone should discuss early and often.) But the surrogates who had the easiest return to being "a woman who once was a surrogate" versus being "a former surrogate who wonders exactly how XXX is doing" were those who had some input from the IPs as they made the adjustment to being a family. And who were allowed some time to say goodbye to the baby they carried in the hospital (often in private - something that scares a lot of IPs, unfortunately), and who felt appreciated for their role in making their IPs family a reality.
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